


you're running after something that you'll never kill

by sympathy_for_hordak (sparrow0)



Series: hollow point smile [1]
Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: Ableism, Abuse, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Reconditioning, Season/Series 04 Spoilers, Unreliable Narrator
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-12
Updated: 2019-11-12
Packaged: 2021-01-29 16:27:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21413179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sparrow0/pseuds/sympathy_for_hordak
Summary: Hordak's reconditioning begins. He trips in a hallway."if you're new and i tell you not to think about your tongue you're immediately going to do it. they know this, you know this. not-thinking never works. choose other thoughts instead. construct a more reliable you, and think only their thoughts as long as you can."
Series: hollow point smile [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1543651
Comments: 4
Kudos: 61





	you're running after something that you'll never kill

**Author's Note:**

> this is the start of a series. apparently now I'm writing fic with "the past didn't go anywhere / it isn't even past" vibes and mcr lyric titles. I don't think this is where canon is going, but it's cathartic. 
> 
> if this wakes up or knocks loose anything in you, please be kind to yourself. there's spoilery commentary for this story in its endnotes. (edited to fix formatting)

_ Note that no memory is altered or destroyed. Why ensure the permanent loss of information that may have value? Why weaken an already unreliable being's connection to reality? Nothing is gone, only stored efficiently when not in use. The whole of one's past is right in one's mind, just below the surface. _

_ The facts don't change, but the perspectives must. All of us have valuable work to do, and we cannot do that work if we are preoccupied with our histories. We cannot be distracted by greed, fear, wrath, or sorrow. _

\- from "Your First Conditioning," a brochure produced by the Horde Assessor Corps

_ if you're new and i tell you not to think about your tongue you're immediately going to do it. they know this, you know this. not-thinking never works. choose other thoughts instead. construct a more reliable you, and think only their thoughts as long as you can. _

\- from a text file titled "linear algebra pset 23," author unknown

~~~

A damaged and defective clone, recently recovered from some primitive world, was dropped on the floor of the assessor's chambers. The assessor brought his hands to this clone's face and began the reconditioning pre-assessment immediately, without making the novice mistake of giving a clone any time to arrange his thoughts or catch his breath. 

Entering the mind was easy, as this clone had not believed it would ever happen again. He had been entirely certain Horde Prime would welcome him, would praise him, would raise him up. In the decades of his absence he did not consider the possibility of reconditioning even once, and so he was totally unprepared. 

Completely vulnerable, because this clone been completely wrong, completely mistaken and incompetent. The entirety of his mind was like a flock of panicked birds, each one a thrashing, fluttering insecurity trying to justify some error. 

The assessor began with the most recent memory, the one producing the sharpest feelings. 

_ Some sort of lizard creature informed this clone that Emily had been destroyed. This clone was so overcome with despair and rage that he destroyed huge parts of his own base, utterly incapable of controlling his grief. His second-in-command, Catra, attempted to keep this clone calm, but succeeded only in standing nearby when this clone blasted a load-bearing structure badly enough for it to fall on him and damage him just before being brought before Horde Prime. _

The assessor pressed in a little further, replaying that shameful, excruciating moment when the chunk of metal partially crushed this clone. The assessor was soon certain this clone did not have the energy to try to improve his own image - though it wasn't clear how this whole scene could have been more of a disappointment. 

With tears in his eyes, this clone offered the assessor a related memory. 

_ This clone was much younger and wore no armor, and had entered the same complex from the first memory. He was alone, and the structure was ancient and vast - it clearly had not been maintained in a very long time. In his impulsiveness, this clone stepped onto a section of rusted floor and fell through to a darker area. He wandered for hours, not strong enough to climb out, nor clever enough to navigate out, nor resourceful enough to repurpose any scrap into a ladder. Eventually, he was found and rescued by a small creature - a friendly green and pink robot named Emily. This pathetic clone's clingy neediness was mortifying. _

The assessor pinned each part of this clone in place, carefully examined the thoughts, watching for deceptions or omissions. This clone made only the feeblest attempts to keep anything back, and they barely slowed the assessor down. 

_ Another failure - this time, his instruments had very briefly detected a portal from another dimension, and he'd traveled there as quickly as possible, but he was too late to send a signal through. On top of the crushing defeat of being no closer to reuniting with the Horde, this mysterious portal had released what appeared to be garbage - yellowed scraps of parchment, rotting fruit peels, and half a loaf of rock-hard bread. _

_ On further analysis, the garbage was indeed worthless garbage, just like this clone, but unlike this clone it had originated on Eternia, for some baffling reason. The clone investigated further, doing various pointless "tests" on the garbage as it decomposed in his gloomy, ugly "sanctum," itself a pathetic imitation of Horde Prime's throne. Nothing of value was gained. _

Many of the remainder of this clone's thoughts were about various natives who he'd mismanaged. He was too weak to succeed without stronger allies, and too foolish to maintain their support. This clone had eventually secured the support of a few inhabitants of the planet he'd been sent to, after many stumbles and disasters. Then he'd lost most of that support through his own irresponsibility, foolishness, and laziness. The only living ally of his who seemed to have any potential whatsoever was the feline he'd brought before Horde Prime. 

Eventually, the assessor could not hold back his own expression of disgust. Truly, this clone had reached new depths of uselessness, barely managing to destabilize a world with almost no capacity to oppose him. His whole mind was a cringing, flinching thing, the mind of a creature who had brought a spaceship and energy weapons against natives with nothing more than bows and swords, and this clone had still been defeated. 

There had been a time when this clone had hoped his failures could go undiscovered - that the terrible job he was doing of claiming the world might end in his own death, that he might never face any brother again. He had been too cowardly to even contemplate acting upon that hope. 

This clone loathed and doubted himself, which was not terribly shocking, as his behavior was wildly perverse and freakish for any clone, but particularly one with his defects. At least this clone was self-aware enough to know he was profoundly broken and in need of repair, and compliant enough to respond to that assessment with quiet, resigned agreement. 

This clone's loyalty, at least, was beyond question, even if his usefulness and basic competence were dubious. This clone had once considered himself a person and not a clone, but Horde Prime himself had cured the clone of that particular deformity, and the cure had remained entirely effective for the whole session. 

The assessor granted the clone the temporary designation RC-06, and ordered a medic to take him away. This clone was instructed to rest and update his knowledge until an assessor next requested his presence. 

~~~

This clone was repaired enough to walk, but not gracefully. This clone was appreciative and polite, and expressed perfect agreement with the medic who declared he would spend no extra time on a clone newly designated as a reconditioning subject. 

This clone waited until he had settled in his new cell and begun reviewing reports on his tablet to evaluate the situation with any components of himself that might have been inaccessible earlier. 

The rush of joy took him by surprise. His preparations had been undetected, and he'd satisfied an assessor without surrendering anything that he'd sealed away. He'd performed such comprehensive incompetence and disregard for others that the assessor had learned almost nothing. 

Now he merely had to keep meeting every authority's expectations for RC-06. He could arouse no suspicions, committing completely to the role of weak, self-absorbed failure. Best not to step too far out of that role for too long. 

This clone let himself become absorbed in the flow of information, without examining anything like his motivations or noticing he had tried not to think about doing so. He found himself particularly interested in some small details of Horde customs he might have forgotten, and in the information the Horde possessed about effectively controlling lesser beings. 

~~~

This clone tried to sleep at the recommended time, but could not settle his frantic and guilty mind. All he had done had been a failure. Other clones were rightly repulsed by him, and inferior beings feared and opposed him. 

Eventually, he attempted to calm himself by walking through the ship, but was interrupted by his defective nature. The clone stumbled on nothing in particular and fell in an empty hallway, palms and knees slamming against the tile floor. He trembled there for a moment, overwhelmed by physical and emotional injury and exhaustion. 

He focused on his pain. This clone did not look at or think about what his hands were doing. He focused on his pain, taking careful breaths. After a few moments, this clone pulled himself to his feet and limped back to his cell, where he was unable to avoid crying himself to sleep. 

When this clone awoke a few hours later, he had been imagining throwing his body between a smaller body and a burst of light, and his heart was pounding. The details of the dream faded as he thought of the glory of the Horde and his desire to retake his place in it. This clone reminded himself it was an inconsequential memory of someone long deceased. He did not recall her name. 

**Author's Note:**

> Real-life abuse doesn't involve psychic powers, but Horde Prime's whole thing does. Hordak gave his interrogators an edited picture of himself that relied heavily on self-hatred and obscured other stuff. 
> 
> Specifically, in these memories:  
\- Double Trouble revealing Emily's destruction was actually Double Trouble revealing Catra's betrayal of Entrapta  
\- finding Emily was actually finding Imp  
\- finding Eternian garbage was actually finding Adora
> 
> Hordak then did a bunch of reading and tripped in a hallway for mysterious reasons. Next part will happen entirely outside of Hordak's mind.


End file.
